Item description for Living With Add When You're Not the One Who Has It: A Workbook For Partners by Mimi Handlin...
This workbook is different from other books about attention deficit disorder, because it was written from the perspective of a non-ADD partner. These pages don't focus on taking care of your ADD spouse or making your relationship work. They are about taking care of yourself. Consequently, as you become healthier and happier, your partner may reap the benefits and your relationship could get better. The main message of this book is that sometimes it's okay and even imperative to put yourself first. (Or at least second, if you have kids!) Living with and loving a partner with ADD can be tough at times, and you deserve special care and support. This book is for you.
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Est. Packaging Dimensions: Length: 8.8" Width: 6" Height: 0.4" Weight: 0.25 lbs.
Release Date Sep 21, 2005
Publisher Wasteland Press
ISBN 1933265779 ISBN13 9781933265773
Availability 98 units. Availability accurate as of Jan 18, 2017 03:31.
Usually ships within one to two business days from La Vergne, TN.
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Reviews - What do customers think about Living With Add When You're Not the One Who Has It: A Workbook For Partners?
A good start Sep 18, 2008
I credit Mimi Handlin for tackling this tough subject.
The struggles of living with a partner who has untreated ADHD cannot be minimized, nor can the need for self-care be overstated. And validation is critical for anyone in this situation trying to stop the chaos and confusion and hurt. That's why this book is so helpful as a first step and a solid reminder that the partners of adults with ADHD deserve some attention, too.
It's hard, though, to practice good self-care when your partner keeps winding up the roller coaster of your life, actually racheting up the need for self-care and decreasing the time you have for it--because the messes just never end and you're the one always on mop-up patrol. :-)
For eight years, I have worked to help individuals and couples stuck on the ADHD Roller Coaster, after my husband and I managed to stop whirling around in the nonsensical and often-infuriating unrecognized ADHD behavior patterns.
My message: There is hope! There are solutions! But, for most of us, solutions don't come in the form of easy tips, especially if you are advised to view your partner's ADHD as simply a gift! That's helpful to no one, no matter how many experts who themselves have ADHD would try to have us believe it. That deluded fantasy, perhaps born of the "denial" so common with ADHD, robs everyone of truth--and hope for elevating their lives.
I wrote my book as a parting gift to everyone who's stuck on the ADHD Roller Coaster. After eight years of volunteering, I need to get back to paying work. But I could not do that in good conscience until I combined the important knowledge I'd learned from hundreds of other people in the support group that I lead (ADHD_Partner at Yahoogroups), the top experts in the field, and my own experience. There are more people suffering from unrecognized ADHD than we know--many more. And this situation cannot stand, for the good of our society.
Therapists need to learn what constitutes effective therapy for individuals and couples. Prescribing physicians need to implement thoughtful medication protocols (instead of saying, "Here, try this!"). And we all need to learn the nature of "denial" -- that it can be both psychological and physiological. That is, that ADHD symptoms themselves can impair a person's ability to accurately self-observe as well as to accurately process the situations in which the person finds themselves. For example, is it really an overly demanding boss or a difficult co-worker, or is it their own ADHD that inhibits their ability to stay focused enough to be a cooperative team member?
If you fell in love with your partner, chances are there were some good things to fall in love with! But over time, ADHD symptoms can obscure those things, leaving in its soul-stomping wake many hurt feelings, resentments, and crazy-making frustration on both sides. Sometime, when both parties in the couple learn about ADHD, that is enough to break through the chaos and achieve some stability and happiness. But sometimes medication is the only thing that will stop the roller coaster. It's different for each individual and each couple. (In fact, for some, the wisest thing is to exit that ride and run directly out of that amusement park.)
But one thing is for sure: Until you receive validation and the facts about ADHD--plus proven strategies for dealing with it -- that roller coaster might just keep giving you whiplash.
Gina Pera, author Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stoppingthe Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder ADHDRollerCoaster.com
Much More Information and Support Needed for Spouses of Adults w/ADHD Aug 22, 2007
This author admits to having had a tumultuous, chaotic and unhappy marriage for many years and only upon her husband's death and the discovery that her child is ADHD does she come to understand that her husband also was ADD. She then proceeds to acknowledge the difficulties of living with her interesting and intelligent and exciting spouse (ADD spouses are not by definition interesting, intelligent or fun to be with). She carries a lot of guilt for what she should have, could have and would have done differently.
What seems apparent is that living with an ADHD spouse is not much different than living with a child with ADHD. The author writes about the importance of not being co-dependent but the behaviors she suggests are the essence of co-dependency, i.e., how one talks to the ADHD spouse "may" make things a little better. She only lived her marriage improvement experiment retroactively and "in her mind" -- this isn't even anecdotal -- it's not based on any reality at all.
Those living with adults with ADHD desperately need support and solid information. They need to know that ADHD is a brain defect and not a set of personality quirks. If one hopes to have a reasonably good chance for a happy and productive marriage -- choosing a person with ADHD is not rational. A good marriage base is partnership. One must "attend" very well to partner well.
There is little difference in the chaos produced by those with ADHD than that produced by alcoholics -- which has a strong genetic component. (ADD is 75% inherited).
Please, will someone write the book that tells the truth about the chaotic lives visited on the spouses and partners of those with ADHD. In this way would be partners will be well-advised so they can choose who they live with based on facts, not unsubstantiated "hopes". Then they will be empowered to make healthier choices in partners and maybe most importantly in those who will be the genetic parents of their chlldren.
Not a LOT of info, but does promote soul-searching and acceptance Jul 7, 2007
The author of this book is quite honest about the fact that ADD can lead to frustration, despair and even divorce. What this book does is help those who do NOT have ADD learn to have both a pro-active stand as well as a more empathetic or understanding view of ADD. There are many pages of worksheets where the reader is encouraged to simply write or respond to the text. For those looking for lots of info about ADD, this book may not provide that. It does contain suggestions for further reading. I found the affirmations section to be most helpful, as well as the emphasis on accepting that ADD is an actual biochemical disorder, not an act of rebellion or will. Of course, anger, tantrums and other negative behavior can result due to the frustrations of ADD but that author has ideas on how to cope with those. I found this book to be somewhat helpful - a quick read, with some good insights but not among the very best I've read.
The book my husband didn't want to read... Jan 26, 2007
At first my husband didn't want to read this book because he thought I was going overboard with buying books about my ADD. Then he saw the picture on the front cover and he said "Nevermind, I'll read it." This book has helped him understand what is going on my mind and why I do the things I do and that it's not something I can just snap my fingers and change. I would recommend this book, especially to other women with ADD who have a messy home for their husbands to read.
FINALLY a book made for me! Jan 14, 2007
Reading this sweet little book felt like talking to a friend. The fact is, I'm the one who has to do and remember everything at home and I work full time. I can't depend on my husband for anything. This book made me feel like I'm not alone. It gave me great tips about how to tell my husband what is bothering me and reminded me that I matter too.