Item description for Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard Halpern...
Overview Offers vivid descriptions of the most common patterns of sustained parental control and shows grown children and parents how to replace those patterns for fuller, more satisfying, adult relationships
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Est. Packaging Dimensions: Length: 8.7" Width: 6.22" Height: 0.67" Weight: 0.76 lbs.
Release Date Apr 15, 1990
ISBN 0671696041 ISBN13 9780671696047
Reviews - What do customers think about Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents?
A grateful reader Oct 7, 2007
This book helped me get a clearer understanding about my chronically unhappy parents' controlling, manipulative behavior. I found it very helpful. Bottom line: Do not expect your parents--or other family members and friends--to EVER change in their lifetimes, including in the face of terminal illness and death. If they do change, it's because they want to do the work of changing for themselves, not because any of us has (or should rightfully possess) the power to change others.
The only thing any of us can control and change is our own reaction to their behavior, including the ongoing decision about whether to spend further time with them on their terms, our own terms, or somewhere in the middle. Good luck, be firm and kind, and be mindful of the fact that it is your life to live and manage--not theirs. If they are unhappy, that is a very sad and hard thing to see in one's parents, but it is their problem, not yours.
Incredible book Oct 3, 2007
Has helped me and so many people I know to really individualize as adults and to understand the dynamics and patterns that are created and that we live by with our adult parents.
Changed my Life Sep 8, 2002
I have NEVER been a person who believed that a self-help book could change your life. But this one changed mine! I read this book years ago (I am buying it now for a friend). I was in my 30's and I was still intimidated by my mother's manipulation. This book made me slap my forehead and say to myself "why on earth have I put up with this for so long???!! If ever a book liberated me, this book did. It showed me that it takes two to tango. If I didn't like the way my mother acted, there wasn't much I could do to change her behavior. However, I COULD change the way I responded - I could refuse to "dance the dance." For any adult who feels intimated or bullied by a parent, this is the book to read. Highly recommended!
Parents of adults are themselves adults, and should act it. Jul 9, 2002
Parents of adults are themselves adults - so making excuses for their obnoxious or hurtful behavior does not to me create an incentive for them to change it.
Understanding the causes for that behavior is good and compassionate. Yet there are times when, to preserve the "inner child" the author refers to, a parent will do something which is actually destructive to a child, such as being a toxic in-law or undermining their child's sense of self-worth.
Sometimes it's not about love - just control.
At this point you must draw a clear line. My compassion ends where another person's assault on my well-being begins. I advocate compassion and understanding in so far as they help an adult child begin to end the pattern of being a willing partner in an unhealthy codependent relationship.
Loving yourself means not giving people the permission to harm you or hold you back in life. Certainly not your parents, since that contradicts what their very role in your life was supposed to be.
For this reason, I believe parents should be held to a higher, not lower, standard of behavior in this regard.
People who claim to love you should not habitually cause you pain. That contradicts the meaning of love.
I posit also that attempting to create dependency in an adult by subtly trying to make that person feel incompetent and inadequate is a form of emotional abuse - and one of which not only parents are guilty, of course - friends, lovers, other family members may all have a stake in your inadequacy or dependency.
Such are false relationships. Someone whose love for you is real and unselfish rejoices in your competency, growth, happiness, and the fulfillment of your dreams. Or, is contrite when they realize they have not been doing so, and makes the effort to do better.
Simplified solutions Aug 24, 2001
The book was very complete since it included mostly every parental abusive situation from moralistic parents to unavailable to self-centered and controlling. However, the solutions given for children to address the damage done to them is over-simplified and puts the responsibility of understanding back on to the child. Every chapter has an explanation of the type of behavor and goes on to indicate how it is the child in the parent who is really reponding to his/her child or adult child. To solve the hurt and enmeshment with the parent, the adult-child must now see the child in the parent when the dysfunctional behavior takes place and everything will be okay. Also, Halpern chooses a parent for each behavior. For example, the unavailable "father" and the controlling "father." Perhpas the domineering, controlling person is the "mother." This adjudication makes it harder to see since I must substitute one for the other throughout full chapters.